I wrote this in my head while pooping, while reading Men’s Health, while thinking about Feminism.
Hi, GMan! I love you and you are so hot! Anyways, my boyfriend wants to go to a strip club with his friends this weekend. Should I let him?
Amanda – McKinney, TX
AMANDA! What the fuck is wrong with you? What the fuck is wrong with your boyfriend? You shouldn’t be “letting” him do anything. He’s a grown-ass man. If he wants to go look at some titties from time to time, you should embrace it and he shouldn’t be asking for permission anyway. Go look at dicks with the girls, or better yet, have a fucking Pinterest Party. And also, nothing happens at the titty bar. It’s like the art museum. You can’t touch the art. You can’t take it home for the night. It’s too expensive to buy, if in fact they are selling. Strippers and NOT whores; they’re just some sweet girls whose daddies won’t or can’t pay for college. The strip club is just an outlet for him and his buddies to bond. And if you think he’s not looking at the chicks at Whole Foods or wherever the same way he looks at strippers, you’re a fucking retard. Thanks for saying I’m hot.
Wassup Playa!?!? My black friend says the N-word all the time, and he even calls me his N-word. Can I say the N-word?
Kevin – Plano, TX
KEVIN! What the fuck is wrong with you? Of course you can’t say the N-word. Unless with you’re with your white dude buddies. If you are with your white buddies, make sure you use the “a” ending, and always look around for actual black dudes before you drop it. There is one other way you can say the N-word. You need your Honorary Black Dude Card. This takes three signatures from legit black dudes. You can’t get Neil deGrasse Tyson to sign your shit either. I personally wouldn’t and couldn’t exclude Neil deGrasse Tyson, but the black dudes who signed my Honorary Black Dude Card said dudes like him don’t count. Just so you know what kind of black dudes count, I’ll tell you who signed mine. 1. DeShun the Definishun, my barber from “Itz da Kut.” 2 Lamante “Fotie” Jefferson. 3. Piano Terry, the crackhead/pimp from South East Dallas. And you have to get your card notarized. So, you can say the N-word if you get the Honorary Black Dude Card, but don’t try to say that shit without any of your black dude buddies there. You might get shot before you can pull out your card.
Dear GMan, What are your thoughts on a man shaving his boy bush? I heard the bush is coming back, but I’m nervous.
Jonathan – Lewisville, TX
Jesus Christ, Jonathan. Who the fuck says “boy bush”? I would usually just ignore your question due to your verbiage, but I’m getting this question a lot, so I’ll answer it. I’ve also heard that the bush is back, but I’m not one to follow rules set by the people who write those magazines that give us these unrealistic body images and fuck with our heads. Ryan Gossling and Christiano Ronaldo can lick my taint! I was shaving “G” into my pubes when I was 14. You think anyone else was doing baller-ass pube art in 1989? No. Anyway, if you’re gonna go full bush, you need to GO FULL BUSH. You gotta own that shit. You gotta tell people about it like a new tattoo and ask if they want to see it. Post progress photos on Instagram. Keep a Bush Blog. Be confident in that bush and the ladies will be confident in the tree. Hear me? (But if you have a tiny cock, shave your little boy bush.)
I’m going to go ahead and answer a few tangential questions about “The Pube Conundrum” before everybody starts emailing my ass. In my younger days I was obsessed with the full shave on a girl. It was rare, clean, and sexy. You could go down and not worry about coming up with a hairball. It was magical. As I’ve gotten older, my tastes have expanded. I like all bush styles. All bush colors. All bush lengths. I banged a chick who had flat-ironed hers a couple weeks ago. It was long and lovely. As long it’s so fresh and so clean clean, I’m putting my machete between my teeth and going for it!
Let it grow in peace,
GMAN! Help! My girl cheated on me a couple of weeks ago and I don’t know what to do. Should I forgive her and forget it? Should I break up? By the way, she gang-banged a gaggle of Karaoke DJs
Craig – Dallas, TX
Oh shit, man. I’m sorry to hear that, but I got good news for you. Let’s see if we can turn that frown upside down. While forgiving and forgetting is a nice idea, it’s also bullshit. You may be able to forgive her, but you won’t be able to forget. EVER. You’re going to picture a gaggle of douche bags pounding your girl with cheap microphones and trying to rap the latest Drake song. And really, you can’t remember something and fully forgive at the same time. Sad but true.
Here’s what you do, Craig: Tell her to go fuck herself immediately. Then go to the titty bar with your buddies and fuck the shit out of stripper. You’re probably wondering how you go about fucking the shit out of stripper. Easy. You need about 1,500 bucks, three days, and exactly two of your buddies ready to go to the titty bar three nights in a row. (I don’t have the time to go into the theoretical part of all this, but my book entitled “Rock You Like a Candy Cane” is coming out this Fall.) Wear a button-down shirt and nice pants. Drink liquor and not beer. Don’t wear cologne. You want her smell, not yours, and that shit is kinda gay anyway. Once you’re in the club, pick out a couple of girls you like. Don’t go for Super Stripper. Go for Girl Next Door. Tip them on stage and ask them to come over. Don’t waste time or money on random bitches who come by your table. If one of the girls you picked asks if you want a dance before she sits down on your lap, send her on her slutty way. Once you’ve got your girl in your lap, smile at her like you’re a little kid on Christmas. Practice this in the mirror or you may have the wrong kind of smile on your face. Do NOT touch her, even while she’s sitting on your lap. You want her to think you’re shy. Do NOT touch her during your lap dance. During your lapdance, look at her face the entire time. Her FACE. After couple dances, ask her to keep her dress on for the next one. She will think this is sweet. You want her and not her titties. Also, it might make her a little insecure, which helps. I know it’s an asshole move, but I happened upon it by accident. My initial intentions were pure.
Tell her you’re a writer and you’re working on your first book. Tell her it’s about booze and girls. Doesn’t matter that you’re not a writer. Do NOT tell her that you’re in a rock band unless you are an actual rock star. (If you were a rock star your girlfriend wouldn’t have ganged-banged a bunch of Karaoke DJs.) Buy her all the drinks she wants.
Shit, I’ve rambled on a little too long about banging strippers. Basically, you should be able to close from there. She’ll give you her number. You might think, Oh sweet! I’ll call her tomorrow and we’ll bang. Nope. You have close that night.
It doesn’t always go down like that, so you might need to go a few days in a row. After you bang your stripper, take a fully clothed picture with her and post that shit on Facebook. Unfriend your Ex eight hours later. She will have seen it and so will all her girlfriends. She will notice that you are no longer friends. It will hurt her. You will still be sad about your Ex, but you’ll also have some stripper pussy under your belt, which eases the fuck out of the pain.
Good Luck, Brother,
Well guys, that’s it for this week. If you have a question for the GMan, fill out the form on the “Contact” page and ask away. And remember, The GMan ALWAYS Hits the SPOT.