Dear GMan, I heard this show on NPR about this scientist who would manually pleasure the adolescent dolphin she worked with so he would calm down. My kitty is about three months old and he’s always digging in my purse, and while he’s digging, his tiny red thingy pokes out of his furry knob down there. Should I use my hand on him to calm him down so he stops getting tampons and hair ties out of my purse? He’s just soooo cute! 😉
Christina, 32 – Las Colinas, TX
Holy shit, Christina! What the actual fuck is wrong with you? I was thinking that this was almost a reasonable question until you mentioned your kitty’s cuteness. That’s when it got creepy. No, you should NOT under any circumstances jerk off your cat. I heard that episode of Radio Lab too, and that lady sounded like a fucking freak. This question worries me. Jerking off animals can seem like a noble gesture on some basic level. You’re helping your little buddy out and it’s obviously consensual—assuming the animal’s boner and nutbusting is a form of consent. The problem is that giving your kitty a hanjee is a gateway drug. Before long you got a dog and you’re buying peanut butter at Sam’s. Who knows after that? Hampster dildos and shit? That shit is just fucking wrong. Again, do NOT jerk off your cat. Go find a therapist. Zip your fucking purse. Thanks for reading,
GMan, one of my students wants to fuck. She’s a cheerleader and she’s super hot. She doesn’t wear panties to my class. She said she wants to do a hurkey on my cock! She’s 17!!! Maybe if I fuck her, she’ll calm down like the lady with the dolphin and the other lady with the horny cat. A teaching moment?
Dan, 24 – Amarillo, TX
Well, Dan, 17 is legal in the Great State of Texas. Wait, no! What the fuck is wrong with me? Do not under any circumstances (unless the Zombies are coming) fuck your student. First of all, you’ll get fired. What the fuck are you gonna do in Amarillo after that? Shovel shit? Secondly, it’s just wrong. Why? Because I’m telling myself to tell you it’s wrong. You’re also trying pretty damn hard to convince both of us that you should fuck her, which gives me pause. Legal age. Hot. Cheerleader. No panties. !@#$%^&*&^%$#@. (Sorry got distracted.) Teaching moment? Seriously? No one is buying that shit. And finally, you do NOT want anybody, no matter how hot, to do a hurkey on your dick. That shit hurts like a motherfucker, or so I’ve heard. You can break your dick, or so I’ve heard.
Keep it in your pants, brother!
Hey GMan! Your shit literally makes me laugh out loud. Anyway, I was wondering if it is gay to like Justin Timberlake. Gabe, 39 – Carlsbad, NM
Thanks, Gabe. Fuck no, it’s not gay! When InSync came out, I was in a metal band called Grandma’s Death Chamber and I definitely thought they were all gay as fuck. But as time passed, JT and I both matured. I didn’t want to admit it at first, but that is one talented motherfucker. He can sing, dance, act, and he’s damn good looking. I could watch him sing and dance all day! Especially the dancing. Jesus Christ, I wish I could dance like that. It hits something deep inside of me, like I was a great dancer in a former life or something. It’s almost too perfect. Know what I mean? I get the same feeling watching Catherine Zeta Jones dance in Chicago. Ok, well, not the exact same feeling, because every few minutes while I’m watching her dance, I think, “Goddamnit! I would love to fuck her fucking silly!” I don’t get that when I watch Justin Timberlake. I mostly want to BE him. I want people to watch me dance and sing like that. I want to make other people feel the way he makes me feel. So if you’re just watching him dance and NOT thinking, “Goddamnit! I would love to fuck him fucking silly,” it’s not gay at all. On the other hand, if you’re thinking about fucking him, you’re probably gay. And if you are gay, fuck it! Go find some cool gay dudes to kick it with!
Love (No Homo),