Ask the GMan – He ALWAYS Hits the SPOT – Special Edition: Women’s Issues

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 1. I can already tell that this will be the first of many.
2. My google image searches didn’t go quite as I’d planned. At all. Never EVER google “tranny” ever. “Hot girls in bad clothes” also leaves a bit to be desired, for the purposes of this blog at least. 

When I first teased this edition of Ask the GMan on Facebook, a friend asked “What constitutes a woman?” At first, I was like, Oh fuck. Then I realized how important that question is to such a piece. Of course, I could talk about gender theorists like Simone de Beauvoir who said, “One is not born a woman, one becomes a one.” She obviously is talking about gender as a construction of the culture and not biology. Fuck that. I’m not saying that sweet Simone is not “right” or that the entire question is bullshit. But. Well. Moving on: Biology doesn’t provide such easy answers to the gender question either. There are extra chromosomes and shit that can make a person basically two genders, or how the fuck ever many genders there are these days. But once you throw in extra chromosomes, you’re on the fast-track to talking about retards, etc., and that’s one hole I’d rather not go down.

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(What the actual fuck is that dark spot over her snatch?)

The same day I posted the teaser for this edition, my Fabulous Fiancé and I went to Kroger to get some cat food and Fire and Ice Rubbers—a Friday night tradition in our house. Anyway, as we were checking out, we heard a wild super-gay racket coming from behind us. There was a dude with another dude-who-was-a-chick holding a pink dog. The dude-who-was-a-chick grossed me the fuck out. Don’t get me wrong; I’m totally down with drag queens and trannies—oops, I mean transgendered persons—but this person looked fucking scary. “Holy shit,” I said quietly to FF. “I would rather suck every dick in the Kroger than kiss that dude/chick.” (We go to the gay Kroger, so there were probably hundreds of dicks in there, just begging to be sucked by the Le G.) She said, “Really?” I said, “Fuck yeah! Did you see his/her lips? He/she needs to sue her/his doctor. Fucking nasty.” I made an inaudible retch noise. I’m not kidding either; I would suck ALL the DICKS. I now I sound like an asshole, but you know that dude-who-was-a-chick was looking for attention. Probably enjoyed the bad at least as much as the good.

So, for the sake of this edition of Ask the GMan, the word “woman” means someone with a pussy she didn’t pay for and who claims to be a chick.

Drag Queens

 

Dear Gman,

I always blow my paycheck on clothes! I can’t stop myself. I want to look hot. So…I started to wonder, who am I looking hot for? My super-sexy hubby who doesn’t really care what I look like as long as my clothes are off? Or for the ladies? My girlfriends and I are always talking clothes, shoes, etc. Is it just my man or do men just not care about fashion?

Kellie – 30

Fort Worth, TX

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(This is what happens when you google “hot girls bad clothes.” I also googled what I thought Kellie would look like and found a bunch of porn chicks in cowboy hats.)

Yeehaw! Kellie, you have a few complicated questions going on here, but luckily, you’ve come to the right place. I bet your super-sexy hubby does care what you look like, nekkid or not. You’re probably hot and you are always dressed well, so he doesn’t really notice. (That sounds like a bad thing, but it’s not. People don’t pay much attention to noses unless you have a really busted-ass nose.) If you started to dress in MeeMaw clothes, he would definitely notice! It is obvious that you care what he thinks, so you are dressing for him, whether either of you knows it or not. AND just because he doesn’t know the difference between Alexander Wang and Manolo Blahnik, doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. He probably doesn’t know the exact difference between a thong, a g-string, and a T-back, and he definitely cares about that!

That being said, you’re also dressing up for your girlfriends. Girls can be total bitches to other girls. Y’all can be some judgy assholes sometimes. (Don’t deny it, ladies; you know I’m right.) Most women I know want to be just a little hotter than their friends—if not a lot hotter. And that’s ok. On the other hand, they are your friends and fashion is something you care about. It’s almost like a bunch of dudes talking about baseball or whatever.

Men do care about fashion, but just not the same way you do. If you’re hot enough, you could be wearing a dress made of poop and he would probably be cool with that…as long as your boobs are popping out. Confused yet? Me too.

Don’t be slave to fashion, be a slave to HOT,

GMan

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Send your questions to the GMan in the comment section or whatever digital communication platform is available to you! I can’t wait. XXX

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