Ask the GMan – He ALWAYS Hits the SPOT #5

camobeerpic

Dear GMan,

Regardless of gender, do you think it’s possible for a person to get out of the friend zone?

Veroniqua

Hey Veroniqua! First you need to determine if you’re actually in the Friend Zone. Did your “friend” tell you that you are in the Friend Zone or are you just assuming? Plenty of chicks thought they were in the Friend Zone with me only because I play it way too cool with chicks I really like. (If they are just hot and I don’t give a fuck, I take em to Pound Town immediately.) By the time my stupid ass got around to making the move on the girls who thought they were in the Friend Zone, they had moved me into the Friend Zone. Terrible! I missed out on tons of pussy that way, and probably some kick ass relationships. I was a full-blown retard as a younger man. So, first you have to find out if you’re in the Friend Zone. I’m not exactly sure how to do that. Get a little flirty and see what happens? Tell him you’re going to get more comfortable while you’re watching Frozen on Netflix and then strip down to bra, panties, and thigh-highs? Ask? #Blumpkin?

Your chances of getting out of the Friend Zone depend a lot on how long you’ve been in it. If it’s been years, you’re probably fucked. Move on. Find a new dude (or chick) who’s ready to part those meat curtains, if you know what I’m saying. If it’s only been a couple months, you got a shot. #MakeHisAssJealous. You need to start going out with your girlfriends and find another dude. Then start fucking that dude. Faking all of this might be the best route. You may not have girlfriends and you probably don’t want to just start fucking random dudes. Doesn’t matter. Just hint to the guy that you really like that you are going out, meeting new people, whatever. Post fake shit on Facebook. Grab a good-looking dude/chick at the bar and ask if they’ll take a picture with you. Tell them it’s for a sociology project or something. Repeat. A couple of these pics will do; if the guy you like sees too many, he’ll think you’re a total fucking whore and bounce. #SlutButt. Anyway, if there’s any chance, he’ll get jealous as fuck and move you right out of the Friend Zone and into the Bang Zone. #Booyeah! If you’re looking for a hot dude to take a pic with, hit me up!

Thanks Veroniqua!

GMan

couple selfie

Hey Buddy! I heard these guys on the radio talking about “Wash Rag Service” and I have no idea what that is, besides that it has something to do with sex. I just lost my virginity and I want to do it right. I really love her. If I don’t make her happy, I’ll probably never get laid again! What is “Wash Rag Service” and should I be doing it? Please help!

Beau, 17 – Baton Rouge, LA

towelie-intervention-sp

Congratu-fucking-lations, Beau! That’s awesome! Losing your virginity to a girl you love may be the most magical thing ever. Before we talk about “Wash Rag Service” which is absolutely necessary by the way, we need to talk about your desire to please this girl and you thinking you’ll never getting laid again. Take that thought out of your head immediately! She may seem like the girl of your dreams, but she might join the Marines, get a dykey haircut (No offense. Some of my best friends are lesbians.), tell you she never came, make you wear matching outfits, not give you the pussy on your honeymoon, move you to some shit hole in the South, tell you that you stink, only give you the pussy if she’s drunk, throw a cornbread pan at you, try to get alimony even though you only make five dollars an hour, all of which will give you a complex that fucks up relationships with every subsequent girl you ever date and make you drink yourself into a coma at 33. Whoa! #NotSureWhereThatCameFrom. Fuck that, though! You’ll bang plenty of other hot chicks who will love your dick and your fuck styles and never tell you that you stink. So, yeah, the “Wash Rag Service.”

The Wash Rag Service is simply getting a wet wash rag and cleaning her up after you bust a nut on her belly, titties, back, or wherever it happens to go. I call these The White Lake, Snow-topped Mountains, and The Nutback of Notre Dame, respectively. (Don’t come in her face; that shit’s just fucking rude…unless it’s an accident.) I personally go beyond the Wash Rag Service and do the Full Spa Treatment. I get a clean towel and wet about eight inches of one end with hot water—it will be the perfect temperature when you get back to the bed. Using one side of the dry end of the towel, wipe up the big globs. Then using the wet end, wipe her clean. Once all the residue is gone, dry her off with the clean side of the dry end of the towel. That’s how you treat a fucking lady! So yes, always do the Wash Rag Service, if not the Full Spa Treatment.

WARNING: Do NOT ever go raw dawg and pull out unless you know she’s on birth control. And just because a chick tells you she’s on birth control doesn’t mean she is. As the Urban Poet, Snoop Dogg once said, “I’d advise you not to trust that ho.” Also, the pull-out method does NOT prevent disease. There is no Morning After Pill for AIDS or anything else, though I wish there was.

Happy fuckin and wear rubbers!

The G

PS. If your chick never offers you the Wash Rag Service, get a new chick.

NOPE bikini 

Send all your fucked up questions to the GMan!

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: