Ask the GMan – He ALWAYS Hits the SPOT #6

camobeerpic

GMan, yesterday I was outside my therapist’s office smoking when I looked up and saw a bunch of teenage soccer girls taking off their practice shirts and putting on the game jerseys. They were all wearing nothing but sports bras! I felt super uncomfortable and turned on at the same time. I wanted to look soooo bad, but I just stared at my shoes. Is it ok to look if it’s just out there for the world to see?

Kyle, 35 – Arlington

Ho. Ly. Sheeit, Kyle! That’s a terrible situation to be in. You’re not gonna believe this but that same shit happened to me last week. I did the same thing you did, but I didn’t want to. We have to admit that we’re guys, and guys like looking at titties. The girls I saw all had adult bodies, which made the entire thing a mental clusterfuck. If they were little girls, I wouldn’t have given the slightest shit, but they weren’t. They were full-grown, tight, smooth, athletes, with titties at their peak. #NipplesToTheSky And those asses were so tight. The legs were smooth and muscular ready to squeeze the GMan’s head off. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?! I hate being a dude sometimes. Kyle, you did the right thing. (Those chicks’ dads, on the other hand, need to be slapped around. You know those dudes are looking at their daughters’ little buddies and thinking the same shit we are.) Smoke on the other side of the building and think of strippers or the pic below. That’s the only way.

Feeling your pain,

Le G

soccer boobs

Hi GMan, seems like most of the guys I date are only interested in anal sex. How do you feel about anal? Is it ok if I do anal with these guys, even if I don’t really like it? What about ATM? I lot of guys are into that too. I’ve only done it three times and it’s kind of gross. Tell me what to do!!!

Carry, 18 – Houston, TX 

PS. You can give me anal any time!

Thanks for the offer, Carry, but what the actual fuck is wrong with you?!?! Sounds like you’ve taken it in the pooper from a lot of dudes a lot of times. And you’re only 18. JESUS H. CHRIST. First of all, stop all anal activities #RIGHTNOW. I’m not saying you have to give up the anal forever, but your sweet young butthole is in danger of anal fissures and all sorts of other conditions of the dook-chute variety. Trust me on this. I’ve experienced the mud tunnel once or twice. Nothing wrong with it, but why would you choose that when the pussy hole is so close? After getting a chick in the butthole, you gotta wash all kinds of poop off your dick. One time I got a…never mind.

There are a few types of anally-obsessed dudes. 1. They want to dominate you. #BefoulYourBrownStarfish. Colonize that ass, so to speak. It’s not cool. Respect yourself and stop letting them in there. You can tell which dudes want to degrade you. These same guys probably want to bust a nut in your face and they probably never give you the reach-around. 2. These dudes may be slightly (or a lot gay). They are probably fucking you in the ass and imagining another dude. These guys probably NEVER want the pussy and don’t play with your titties too much. There’s no problem with a dude fucking a dude in the ass. #ILoveTheGays but there’s nothing in it for you, Carry. I bet these same guys like you to stick stuff in their butts. #OrganicCarrot Am I right? I thought so. 3. These guys might just be fecalpheliacs. These dudes may ask you to poop in their mouths at some point. Go for it if you want to. That shit is funny, as long as I don’t have to see it. 4. Some couples delve into assplay to spice things up. That is totally normal and awesome, but you obviously haven’t been fucking one dude long enough to need to spice it up.

ATM: Fucking gross! See #1.

Ok, Carry, I hope that answers your question. Not all guys are into anal, so don’t believe the hype.

GMan

anal shorts.jpg

GMan, I just got sober a week ago and my sponsor says I should let him suck my dick when I feel like relapsing. He says it’s the only way to stay sober. I’m not comfortable with that but I’m scared to death. They told me that AA is the only thing that can help me and I’m going to die if I don’t go every day for the rest of my life and accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior. What should I do?

Greg B, 28

Greg, what the fuck is wrong with your sponsor? I’ll tell you what’s wrong: he’s a fucking sick asshole who preys on people at rock bottom. If you send me a private message, I’ll be happy to go fuck him up. I know some guys. Better yet, tell a mean-ass “old timer” about your sponsor—ideally a Vet. #VetsKickAss He’ll make shit happen. Then, you need to go find another AA group. If anyone tells you that they need to suck your cock or fuck you in the ass, punch them in the dick and leave. If anyone tells you that you need Jesus to stay sober, tell them to go fuck themselves. While AA is a great program with the right people, it can also fuck you up big time. Find a good sponsor, do your 90 in 90, and then make a decision.

Trust me; I understand that fear, but you’re going to be ok. You won’t feel like this forever.

Peace, brother,

G

Hit me up for answers to your most probing questions!

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: