Ask the GMan – He ALWAYS Hits the SPOT #8

GMan, where do wet dreams come from? Why do I never get laid in mine? Is there something actually the fuck wrong with me?

Q-Dawg, 30ish – Boulder, CO

Q, wet dreams come from the Sweet Baby Jesus. Seriously. This is how it happens: He’s just chillin in his manger crib, suckin his mom’s titties, when the “energy” builds to an uncontainable level and shoots out to the good little boys and girls all over the world. Well, not all at once. Unlike Santa, he only has enough “energy” to give about 100k wet dreams a night. Good news is that he does it year round and forever. #Woot!

The reason you never bust a nut in yours is a little more disturbing (and it should be obvious). The Sweet Baby Jesus’s “energy” comes from sucking on his mom’s titties! I know, I know, fucking gross. (I’m not making this shit up—just passing it on.) Since that shit is gross and incestuous, he has to give US the wet dreams instead of busting a nut in His Holy Diapers. But that’s not enough to make it NOT gross. We also can’t have sex in our wet dreams because the sins of the father are delivered upon the son or whatever. Thus if we had sex in our wet dreams, we would be fucking the Virgin Mary. And that shit is just wrong.

One time, I had a wet dream in a room full of 23 (black) dudes who had just gotten out of prison, which makes me think that the Sweet Baby Jesus doesn’t have control of his “energy” or more likely, He hates me. You can imagine the terror of busting a nut in my draws in such a situation, but thank god, everyone slept right through it. I dreamt I was flying, cape and all, while drinking a beer and smoking a joint. Anyway, it totally sucked because I had no more clean draws and had to go commando for my last three days of prison rehab.

Hope that answers your question!

GMan

Dear Mr. Man, I want to know your thoughts on non-conventional lube. More specifically, Crisco vs. Olive Oil. I personally like the solid Crisco because it’s entertains me to watch it melt on the skin, the white blob becoming clear. I love the way the skin feels after the Crisco melts. Olive oil is ok in a pinch but the skin texture it creates leaves a bit to be desired.

Theodore, 53 – Dallas, TX

Holy Shit! What the actual fuck is wrong with you?!?!? You say “skin” way too much and it makes you sound like a fucking serial killer/rapist. Go turn yourself in RIGHT NOW…unless your question is bullshit, which I think it is. We all know that Crisco has a melting point of 117°F – 119°F (47°C and 48°C) so that shit is not going to melt on any live human pussy skin. If you’re heating up your chicks in a microwave—fucking sick! Never mind.

For all of you out there still reading, I suggest buying some normal-ass lube product that makes your weenie tingle. I personally like Trojan Super Duper Helmet Flash.

Get some help, Theodore!

GMan

crisco1

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