Ask the GMan – He ALWAYS Hits the SPOT #9

Hey Playa, my girl just sent me this pic. I ain’t tryin to see no selfies with dooks in the background. As you can see, she fine as a motherfucka, but I don’t know if I can hit that, all thinkin about that doodoo. Help a [N-word] out!

LeMarshawn, 27 – North Dallas

Oh Jesus! It took me a sec to see what you were talking about. I was looking on the floor under her turd cutter, then BOOM, I saw that floater in the commode! (By the way, I had to edit the “N-word” since I’m not sure you are one or have your card. Sorry.) That’s a tough one. If I really liked a girl, I could easily deal with a turd in the selfie, and even joke about it later. Actually, my Fabulous Fiance sent me a…just kidding. She didn’t. Anyway, if this chick is just some ho you’re boning, fuck it. Plenty of other bitches out there. Either way, I would suggest taking your own selfie. Make sure there’s a dook in the bowl and a condom and maybe some gummy bears in there. Why gummy bears? Cuz it’s fucking crazy!


GMan, is it ok to fuck a dead chicken? I mean, it’s dead, so no one is getting hurt, right?

Calvin, 17 – Durant, OK

What the actual fuck is wrong with you, Calvin? Fuck no, it’s not ok to fuck a chicken, dead or otherwise. Here’s the thing: Yes, no one is getting hurt by you fucking a dead chicken, as long as you’re not serving up some cream-filled fillets to anyone. And obviously, the chicken doesn’t give a fuck because she’s dead. (I hope you’re fucking a girl chicken.) The problem is that dead chicken pussy is the gateway pussy.

Wait a minute! Before I get to the gateway pussy, I have to ask what is the state of the dead chicken? For some reason I was picturing one from the Kroger, white-ish/pink-ish and slimy. If that’s the case, you must have a monster dick to feel anything in that cavity, which may be too big to fuck a live human chick. I guess it’s ok to fuck a chicken in that circumstance. But you might be fucking a chicken with all the feathers and shit on it. Which makes me wonder if you killed the chicken. Jesus! You definitely cannot kill a chicken to fuck it. #FuckingSick. Also it seems way more bestial if the chicken still looks like a chicken. (How the fuck did I get to a place that I’m answering questions about fucking chickens?)

Wait just a goddamn minute! Are you going raw dawg on these motherfucking chickens? You know you’re going to get the genital salmonella, right? You’re probably thinking, Whatever, dawg, it’s not like I’m eating it. Well, you’re a retard. Dick skin is way thinner than regular skin, so you can get all kinds of diseases by fucking things. Ever notice that no one gets herpes on their elbow? I thought so.

Anyway, gateway pussy. Once you think it’s ok to fuck a dead chicken, you’re probably going to start thinking it’s ok to fuck other dead stuff. Turkeys and Quail and shit like that next. Still not much of a problem…well you know what I mean. Now that you’re used to fucking all sorts of dead birds, you’re going to want to up your game. You’re on the fast track to fuckity fuckity fucked up! You’ll decide to fuck a dead sheep because you heard somewhere that sheep pussy is just like human pussy. I don’t know where the fuck you get a dead sheep, but I’m sure you’ll find a way to get one. Pretty soon, you get bored with the dead sheep pussy. Next thing you know, you’re fucking dead people. DEAD PEOPLE! That’s some sick ass shit, Calvin! DON’T FUCK ANY DEAD SHIT!

GMan, OUT!

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