I visited my editor in rehab the other day, and he seems to be doing OK. His counselor told me it would be another three to nine months before he gets out. (I don’t think it was legal for him to share that info with me, but people tell me all kinds of shit they shouldn’t.) #Praying4ASpeedyRecovery #TyposandShit
When you look past the “ALL dudes are sexist, rapist, racist assholes” shit, you’ll notice that the prevailing thought in 21st century America is that dudes are all borderline retarded. At first, I thought this was bullshit. #FakeNews My buddies and I aren’t borderline retards most of the time. But listening to women around my office and elsewhere (and men), I’ve realized that maybe dudes are fucking dipshits.
To help the male population be less dipshitty, I’ve compiled this listicle of essential life hacks for dudes.
1. Learn to feed yourself. Buying a burger or taco or pizza doesn’t count. I was surprised to learn how many guys can’t even make a sandwich. (Or worse, they can make a sandwich but pretend to be absolutely helpless so their wives/husbands/girlfriends/boyfriends do it for them. Maybe it’s a control thing. Guess what? You’re not a pimp. You’re a fuckwad. This is not the 50s and you’ve proven nothing but what a fuckwad you are.)
I’ll give you a starter recipe, but after that, you need to start looking shit up for yourself.
Recipe for Grilled Chicken and Green Shit with Fancy Bread.
- Go to the grocery store and buy chicken, frozen green shit, and fancy bread.
- Go home.
- Make a fire of some sort. WARNING: Do not make actual fire inside. Stove is fine.
- Put herbs and spices on the chicken. (Get those at the store, too.)
- Throw those fuckers on the fire.
- Grab frozen green shit out of your freezer.
- Throw that shit in the microwave.
- Grab fancy bread and set it next to butter.
- Flip chickens.
- Check your socials (or read another blog by the GMan).
- Pull chickens off the fire.
- Eat your Grilled Chicken and Green Shit with Fancy Bread dinner.
- You’re welcome.
2. Wash your dick, balls, taint, and asshole. You may be thinking, But GMan, I already wash my dick, balls, taint, and asshole. No. You. Don’t. Soap on your hand is not going to get the job done. Use a fucking wash rag! Chicks can smell that shit. They don’t like it. (There are probably some nasty bitches who do, but you don’t want them.) They will be way more likely to suck your dick/balls/taint/asshole if it’s clean down there. Side note: Shave the hairs on the trunk of your cock. That one is more for your own peace of mind.
3. Read a book. (You can tell, this dude lives in Poundtown.)
4. Get off your phone when you’re on a date. Actually, get off your phone when you’re talking to anyone in person. It’s not just rude; it’s stupid. If that’s what you want to do, go home and stop wasting people’s time. If you are on a date and the chick is on her phone the whole time, tell her to go fuck herself and leave.
5. Stop listening to EDM, Bro Country, and anything requiring an explanation of the genre, like Laptop Death Cuddlecore Psychedelia. That shit is stupid. (EDM is ok if you’re a gay dude, I suppose.) Google the top 100 albums of all time. Listen to those. Some of those albums suck ass too, but you’ll be on the right track.
6. Pay attention. Watch and listen, always.
At the very least, this will come in handy in fights later on. For example, your girl—or whatever—starts bitching about some random pee sprinkles on the floor by the toilet. If you were paying attention, you would have noticed and remembered that last November she left a giant shit streak on the toilet bowl. A monster, in fact. If you were paying attention, you could say, “Fuck you, nasty whore! You left a giant shit streak on the bowl on November 16th last year.”
7. Stop sending pictures of your dick. You may be thinking, GMan, you’re old as fuck and everybody sends dick pics these days. And that one chick that one time asked me to send her a picture of my dick. That’s fucking stupid. If everyone stuck flaming dildos in their asses…?
No one really wants to see a picture of your dick. If a chick does ask for a picture of your dick, don’t give it to her. Here’s why: 1) She probably also thinks that’s the thing to do these days, and is thus a dipshit. 2) She’s a fucking weirdo. 3) SHE CAN USE YOUR DICK PICS AGAINST YOU IN COURT. Even if she sends you a pic of her titties, still don’t do it.
A number of things will go through her mind if you don’t:
- She’ll think you have a small/oddly shaped dick. Who cares? Fuck that cumdumpsterslut anyway.
- She’ll be turned on because she’s not used to hearing NO.
- She’ll be confused. She’ll ask her girlfriends about it. They’ll have a big discussion and they’ll go home confused. Welcome to being a dude, bitches! (I have literally witnessed this. It’s hilarious. I was paying attention.)
Bonus Tip: Don’t be fucking rapey.
If you use these seven essential life hacks for dudes, you’ll be way more awesome and less of a dipshit than you are now. You might just get some extra pussy, and at the very least, you might feel just a bit more like a man.
More questions? Post them here, and the GMan will answer!