What Hot Chicks Wish Dudes Knew

Editor update: It looks like it will be months before he gets out of rehab. They went on a field trip—yes, you get field trips in rehab—and he relapsed. They went to Shady Lanes Bowling Alley. (All kinds of shit can go wrong at a fucking bowling alley.) Anyway, he was trying to impress a heroin addict chick by sticking a bowling pin up his ass. She freaked out and called for security, which happened to be a dude named Bubba. Bubba gave him two options: an ass-beating or the cops. Lucky for Dale (that’s not his real name), the addict wrangler talked Bubba out of those options and took the whole group back to rehab.

“We are only as sick as our secrets.” – AA

As you can imagine, I got a LOT of feedback on the last post about life hacks for dudes. GMan has a shitload of hot chick readers and they wanted to add to my list. Because they are hot chicks—and dudes are still total fucking tards—I decided that seven life hacks were not enough. (I will almost always take suggestions from hot chicks, and you should too. That’s a free one, homies.) I may not agree with all of their tips, but, well…they are hot chicks. What the fuck do you want me to do?

But before we get to the suggestions from my ladies, I’ll give you the recipe for the Best Burger on the Web: The G-Burger. This is sure to get you laid, so save room for dessert!

First, you need to buy a grill if you don’t have one. Any grill will do. Charcoal, gas, firewood, whatever. But do NOT use one of those shitty disposable ones that come in the aluminum pan. Nothing dries out a pussy quicker than a disposable grill. (This is what I’ve heard anyway. I couldn’t dry out a pussy with a hairdryer in the desert, and I sure as fuck wouldn’t buy one of those gay-ass disposable grills.)

Shopping list:

  • Ground beef. 80/20, or 85/15 if you have a heart condition.
  • Onion powder.
  • Cheese
  • Lettuce and shit like that.
  • Brioche buns.

The cooking part:

  • Make a fire in your non-disposable grill.
  • Put a couple of shakes of the onion powder on the beef and gently mix that shit in.
  • Break the meat into four chunks.
  • Form patties. Make them look like a burger. (Don’t make little-ass, fast food patties. That includes those square fuckers from Wendy’s.)
  • Throw those fuckers on the fire. (Salt those bad boys immediately before putting them on the fire. If you want to know the science behind this, ask Alton Brown. I don’t have time to draw the molecules and shit.)
  • Stalk an old girlfriend on Facebook or another social media platform. Be careful with LinkedIn; they can see that you were looking.
  • Flip burgers.
  • Smoke some weed.
  • Pull the burgers off your non-disposable grill.
  • Put the cheese, lettuce, and whatever else you want on a bun. Put your burger on the bun. Do that twice if you have a lady friend over.
  • Eat that shit.
  • Eat THAT shit.
  • You’re welcome.

burger

1. Blondie69 (smoking hot) says leave the seat down/put the seat down. She’s right but probably for the wrong reasons. You should NOT do shit just because some hot chick told you to. (Disregard any earlier advice saying you should [unless you’re a total dipshit].) You should put the seat down for yourself. Imagine you have a nice case of middle-of-the-night diarrhea. Your stupid ass didn’t put the seat down. Now your nuts are in the water with your diarrhea, and you’re sitting on a pissy toilet rim. Fucking gross. So don’t be a heathen and put the seat down after you pee.

Side note: James Bond doesn’t do shit to get the pussy. He does shit for himself and the chicks give him the pussy because of it. Think about that.toilet seat

2. “Gallison” (also hot) says you should handle up on your nose hairs. She’s fucking right. I get my nose hairs waxed, and it’s fucking great! It shouldn’t cost more than 15 bucks and it’s worth every penny. It doesn’t hurt (unless you’re a big-ass pussy). You’ll breathe better and not have to worry about having a mini Sasquatch hanging out of your nose.

Nose-Hair-Waxing

3. Gallison also says to not shave all your pubes off. “Y’all might think we look hot shaved, but y’all don’t. You look like an assclown.” Right again, Gallison! Get the trunk. Get everything off the balls you can without cutting yourself. Use no less than a #2 on the man triangle. You should be good to go.

dong bush

4. Elle-Dawg—I think that’s Trey’s wife—says you should let her kiss you while you have food in your mouth. I’m not sure about this one, but Elle-dawg is hot, too, so fuck it.

awkward-kiss-janice-dickenson_orig

5. “Gigi” says you should learn to appreciate the arts—specifically ballet. That seems a bit specific to me, then then again, ballet chicks are hot. Expert tip: they like bouquets of red roses after they finish a performance. And maybe some cocaine. (I got this info from the movies, not Gigi.) WARNING: Watch out for those psycho-murdery ballerinas like in Black Swan. You don’t want to wake up dead with her eating some other hot ballet chick’s pussy out next to you on the bed. Trust me.

natalie-portman-mila-kunis-black-swan-kiss_1_orig

6. From Leighbirrrrddd: “BE ON TIME for the date! I mean, so I really have to say this? Due to recent experiences, YES. If for some reason you get held up, hit traffic, hit a deer on the way to the date and will be late, let her know. We live in a time where you can’t sneeze without it being texted to someone or put on your Instagram story, so for the love of God, text her. And then apologize again once you get there. And if you invite her to “drinks around 7″…she’s gonna be there at 7. Because she’s classy. You show up at 7:30 and you are officially not worth her make-up.”

Seriously dudes, listen to her! Late people are infuriating. And like all my lady readers, she’s fucking hot. Imagine you’re the one sitting there at the cool place with the Edison lights and appropriated black people food (i.e., chicken and waffles, shrimp and grits). It’s about 15 minutes past the time she’s supposed to show up. You like this girl. You’re excited. Then all of a sudden, you have to pee, but you don’t want to because what if she shows up while you’re in the bathroom and thinks you didn’t show and she leaves. That’s fucking terrible! So you sit there about to pee your pants, trying not to drink too much because you’re nervous. When she finally does show up, you run to the bathroom and she thinks you had some pre-chicken and waffles diarrhea! What the fuck?! Why the fuck would you possibly do this to someone. Don’t be a dick; show up on time. P.S. This goes for you too, ladies.

To see more from Leighbird, see her comments on my previous post. She’s on point!

waiting_orig

7. “Bekka” says clip your finger and toenails. Seriously, dudes. I didn’t need “Bekka” to tell me this one, but she’s right. And she’s hot. So pay attention. Long fingernails make you look like a serial killer or a classical guitarist, which are often one and the same. Also, long finger nails are likely to get gross shit under them. Picture yourself as a girl. You’re making out with some dude. You pull your drawers down, ready to get fingered good! Yay! But then you see him coming at your sweet poon with some dirty-ass fingernails. Who the fuck knows what’s under there? Do you want an unknown brown substance in your pussy? I didn’t think so.

Edward-Scissorhands

I’ve always known this, of course, but if you don’t believe me and Bekka, Google “how to make a chick squirt using your fingers” on the interwebs. Find a reputable site like Yoni.org. Something with Sanskrit in the URL. Don’t go to Pussipedia.com. That shit is not a reputable source. A good “How to Make a Chick Squirt” article will explain how finger-banging a chick with long fingernails is basically the same as getting jerked off by Edward Scissorhands. Do you want scissors and knives and shit around your dick? I didn’t think so. Trim your shit.

Ok, I think that pretty much sums it up. Hopefully you will take these tips and be less of an embarrassment to your gender. And as always, don’t be fucking rapey.

Leave your comments or questions, and the G will be sure to answer you…most likely.

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