GMan’s Employee Performance Review

Author’s note: It has come to our attention that many of you think the GMan and Trey are the same guy. We are not. My name is Johnny Lassiter Jr., Aka, The GMan. Trey and I met at a gay-ass writer’s conference a few years ago. We both liked drinking, smoking, and titty bars, so we hit it off. (I still like those things, but Trey has calmed down, and in my opinion, become a bit of a pussy.) Because both of us hate the internet, we decided to have one website; that way we could split the work. If you have any more questions about this, ask Trey.

Also, the fucked up formatting, etc. in this is not mine.

Also, turns out my editor is not a lazy bastard. He’s been in rehab for sticking things in his butthole. One day at a time, buddy. We love you.

The Marketing Group

Employee Performance Appraisal Form – 2017

Employee Name: Johnny Lassiter Jr.
Title: Editor/Writer
Manager: November Smithfield
Department: Content Marketing

Overall summary of goal achievement for 2017:

Employee’s Comments:

First of all, this is a stupid-ass waste of time, and you should all go fuck yourselves. Except, you November. You’re awesome!

There is nowhere to go in this company, so I don’t even know why you’re asking me all these questions. I have a fucking job to do! You’re welcome!

I set my own goals this year, and of course, I fucking slayed them.

Also, I heard that none of us are getting raises this year, which makes this thing extra fucking stupid. Maybe if you did more of that fancy C-suite MBA shit then the company would have more money to pay us more. Anyway, I’ll get to salary situation in a bit.

Manager’s Comments:

I haven’t given this to November yet.

Employee Competency Assessment

Builds Internal and External Customer Relationships

  • seeks feedback from customers and takes appropriate actions
  • designs solutions with the customer in mind
  • viewed as a trusted advisor
  • searches for ways to improve customer experience

Employee’s Comments:

I don’t have any customers, and if you knew who I was and what I do, you would fucking know that. Stop asking me all these goddamn questions.

I am a trusted advisor. If someone here wants to know the difference between a conjunctive adverb and a subordinating conjunction, I’m the dude to ask!

I don’t have any goddamn customers! Get that shit through your fucking heads. Jesus!

Manager’s Comments:

I can’t wait to see what November has to say!

Sets Appropriate Priorities

  • assesses urgency, importance, time, and impact to determine priority of work to be completed
  • spends time on what’s important
  • creates focus for themselves and others
  • operates with a sense of urgency and meets deadlines

Employee’s Comments:

I’m about to assess the fuck out of some “urgency, importance, time, and impact to determine priority of work to be completed.” This particular piece of horseshit I’m writing right now is not urgent, important, and has no impact. By the way, “time” in this case is not parallel to those other words in that list. And speaking of time, I don’t have time to do dumb shit like this; I could be doing my actual job, which is correcting the grammar and prose of various dipshit freelance writers. Fuck them, too!

I am definitely not spending time on what is important right now.

I’m trying to focus, but it’s hard when the English language is being raped all to fuck around me. E.g. Hey, Bill, what’s the ask? Excuse me, John, what’s the spend on that? I’m about to barf.

I’m urgently trying to get this shit done so I can go back to fixing shitty writing.

Manager’s Comments:

Problem Solving Abilities

  • utilizes resources, logic and innovative thinking
  • looks beyond the symptoms and solves for root cause
  • anticipates risks and recommends or implements preventative actions
  • tackles problems and works to resolve them without delay

Employee’s Comments:

Innovative thinking doesn’t apply to my job. I look shit up on the internet when I don’t know. Restrictive and non-restrictive clauses always fuck me up for some reason. And fuck the AP Style Guide.

The root cause to most of the symptoms I deal with is fuck-tarded writers. Actually, no. The root cause is that some fucking asshole told these people they can write. Guess what, fuckos? You can’t.

I could make recommendations, but you people don’t give a flying fuck.

I’m working to resolve this piece of shit review—without delay!

Manager’s Comments:

Exhibits Drive and Initiative

  • establishes SMART goals and drives for results
  • achieves results with positive attitude and enthusiasm
  • establishes high standards of performance
  • has a continuous improvement mindset

Employee’s Comments:

I don’t know what “SMART” goals are. I asked the MBA-types fuckers around me and none of them were sure either. Go fuck yourselves.

 (And speaking of retarded shit, someone needs to clean the fucking bathroom. I would also suggest some continuing education on poopoo and peepee skills. Expert tip: Shit and piss don’t go on the floor. What’s the ask? Stop being a fucking heathen.)

I always have a positive attitude, and I’m very enthusiastic about the continued success of this company.

I have high standards of performance. Unfortunately, I’m the only one meeting those motherfuckers.

Go fuck yourselves.

While I would like to say that I have a “continuous improvement mindset,” I must be honest and admit that my improvement mindset is continual, not continuous. There’s a difference. I’m not thinking about improving my work performance while I’m sleeping or beating off. But yeah, over time I have a continued desire to improve, though it is more incremental than continuous. Look it up.

Manager’s Comments:

Accountability

  • owns issues or problems to closure
  • takes responsibility for outcomes
  • follows through on commitments
  • measures progress and adjusts accordingly

Employee’s Comments:

I suppose that if one could truly “own” an issue or problem, then I do. However, I must add that I don’t create issues or problems. Those usually come from assmuncher VP MBAs who have bad ideas about metaphorical language.

I take responsibility for outcomes. But only mine. A lot of these other people are dumbass dicklickers, so there’s no goddamn way I’m taking responsibility for that shit. By the way—you don’t know me or what I do, so I know you don’t know this—my outcomes are always fucking awesome. You’re welcome.

I follow through on commitments.  

Yeah, I measure my progress, but I never need to make adjustments because I’m fucking awesome.

(And by the way, mind your own fucking business.)

Manager’s Comments:

Effective Communications – Oral and Written

  • actively listens with the intent to understand    
  • speaks with truth, candor, and transparency      
  • communications are delivered in a professional and digestible format
  • is positive when receiving and giving messages

Employee’s Comments:

You must be fucking kidding me. I listen with the intent to understand, but the way you spray diarrhea on the English language makes it difficult. Certain words were meant to remain verbs. Look that shit up.

“Speaks with truth, candor, and transparency.” Yeah, eat a dick.

Ok, I was trying not to judge your shitty writing too much but I’ve had enough! “communications are delivered…” Not only is that passive voice, it’s the opposite of concise. Just say “communicates.” Don’t nominalize some shit and add an extra verb. The goddamn verb was there in the first place until you turned it into a noun. (This is not the same noun/verb problem noted above. Look up nominalization.)

I am always positive when receiving and giving messages.

Manager’s Comments:

Career Development: Discuss 1-2 year career goals

What the actual fuck are you talking about? Are you fucking serious? Next question.

Employee Overall Comments/Feedback:

Employee’s Comments:

Finally, the good shit: If don’t get a raise after this—and I’m not talking about some 2.5 percent bullshit—I’m going to sue your asses for all the sexual harassment going on at this company.

Suzy in Accounting, for example, is always rubbing her nasty-ass titties on me. She likes to hug me from behind when we’re alone in the elevator and rub them on my back. She also stands really close to me when I’m making coffee so my upper arm is stuck between those sag bags. That shit happens like every day. I have a girlfriend, for Christ’s sake! I take the commitment to my girlfriend seriously, so if somebody’s going to rub their titties on me, she better be smoking hot with some awesome knockers!

But whatever, I’m a dude. The problem is that Suzy from Accounting happened to mention in passing the other day that she could “accidentally” forget to process my paycheck. What the fuck? You can’t titty rape some dude’s arm and then threaten his measly paycheck.

Somebody better handle that shit!

And then there’s Gay Larry in HR. I don’t have a problem with Gay Larry in HR because he’s gay. I mean, me and my buddies jacked each other’s dicks all the time in high school. Who doesn’t? Anyway, this isn’t some homophobic shit. Jesus, it’s a pain in the ass that you’ve got to write dissertation about you and your buddies jacking each other’s dicks before you can say something about gay people without other people getting all pissed off at you and calling you a Nazi.

Ok, back to Gay Larry in HR. He’s always looking at my pecker while we’re peeing. I don’t mean that he takes a glance. I mean he straight up looks at my dick. And he rubs my shoulder while he’s doing it. What the fuck? And if you’re not getting my point (which you probably aren’t) Gay Larry from HR is in charge of HR. Who the fuck am I supposed to talk to about him looking at my dick and giving me shoulder massages while we’re peeing? As much as I love November, she gets uncomfortable when I talk about my dick. Again, handle up on that shit.

Finally, let’s talk about sweet little Lyndon in Social Media and how the CEO is always trying to finger her. Don’t get me wrong; who doesn’t want to finger Lyndon in Social Media. She’s super hot. Like, I’d let her rub her 23-year-old titties on me all fucking day. Jesus Christ, her titties are awesome. They just seem so fresh, like when you pull that brand new jug of milk out of the cooler at the Kroger and you know it’s not going to expire for months. So fresh, so clean. Goddamn! And I’d let her look at my dick every day. Sorry, got off track there for a second.

The CEO tries to finger her at least once a day and everyone knows it. Obviously, Gay Larry in HR fucking sucks at his job. The point is, old rich white dudes cannot just run around grabbing girls by their pussies. That shit is not right. (Not to mention, it gives regular-ass white dudes who don’t try to finger rape hot young millennials a bad name.)

I know what you fuckers are thinking: Prove it, GMan. Well, guess what. I have multiple attempted-fingering videos on my phone. Suck it.

Now that I think about it, the CEO better stop trying to finger sweet Lyndon or I’m going public with that shit whether I get a raise or not. #MeToo

I’m going to break this whole thing down for you to make sure you get the message:

  • I’m awesome.
  • You suck.
  • Give me a raise or I’m going sue your ass:
    • Suzy in Accounting rubbing her gross titties on me.
    • Gay Larry in HR looking at my dick.
    • CEO trying to finger Hot Lyndon in Social Media.
  • You’re welcome.

Warmest regards,

Johnny Lassiter Jr.

Follow me on Twitter @edgefiction101

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