Study Finds Eating Ass Is the New Smoking

Author’s note: My editor has decided that he can no longer edit my work due to its “ludeness.” He’s a judgy bastard.

The good news is that smoking (cigarettes) is at an all-time low. The bad news? People are eating ass like crazy and it’s causing cancer, among other maladies.

The Pew Research Center has just released a study comparing the dangers of licking buttholes to those of smoking cigarettes. It’s not looking good for you, asseaters.

Assanoma

Not only did researchers discover that tossing salads causes cancer, but it has created a new kind of cancer: Assanoma. On your face. Assanoma is no joke. It is fast-growing and takes no prisoners. 100% of people who get assanoma die within the first three days. Chemo slows the growth slightly—most patients die within four days—but there’s no guarantee of a cure. Assanoma patients can have the buttface tumors resected (if caught in the first three days), but that requires removing the entire face.

[Update 10/10/18: Spinal invagination surgery shows promise as assanoma treatment, according to CDC and Harvard Medical School.]

Other side effects include but are not limited to the following: major depressive disorder, gingivitis, schizoaffective disorder, diarrhea, constipation, suicidal ideation, delusions of grandeur, teeth staining, teeth grinding, diarrhea, seasonal affective disorder, pancreatitis, monster truck rallies, generalized anxiety disorder, runner’s knee, tennis elbow, flatulence, diarrhea, bad breath, dry mouth, wet mouth, dizziness, alcoholism, cystic acne, MAGA hats, insomnia, drowsiness, and diarrhea.

The Stank

Researchers also found that eating assholes out is quite malodorous. No matter how clean your partner tells you their chocolate starfish is, it is not as clean as you want it to be. (Side note: Some of you make fun of people who don’t wash their hands after peeing, and you eat assholes.) The Pew Center found that 99.9999999% of anuses do not smell good. Sad but true.

Not only do recti smell bad, but licking one will make YOU smell bad. Poop particles are not so easily washed off. (Lava helps, but again, no guarantees.) Dr. John Smith, Ph.D., lead researcher writes, “You may be surprised to learn that most asshole eaters do not wash their faces or even brush their teeth after a session.”

Driving the point home, he says, “Just imagine…you wake up late after a lovely night of licking your lover’s anus and suddenly remember you’re meeting your mom for breakfast. You run out of the door without a shower. When you arrive at the Waffle House, your mom kisses you on the cheek, right next to your mouth. She throws up on someone’s All-Star SpecialTM and writes you out of the will. Your poor mother. You should be ashamed of yourselves.”

Chasing the Brown Dragon

As a mature gentleman of 42 years, I would like to tell you that I’ve never eaten an asshole. But that would be a lie. I’m going to come clean in hopes that sharing my story will prevent the younger generation from making the same mistake(s) I did.

It was 1993 and I was staring down the first vagina I was ever to munch. It was a lovely spring night. We were in the back of my 1985 Buick Regal Somerset and the light from the Burger King sign was lighting her elegant labia like a ray from heaven. Pearl Jam’s “Black” was playing on repeat on my Discman. Enthusiastic but untrained, I went to town. Three or four hours into it, I pulled back to take a look at my work. There, before my eyes was her glistening butthole. Hmm, maybe I should get after that too. And so I did.

Her butthole was like a bag of cotton candy. Well, maybe that’s too glowing of a description. It was clean and completely odor free. Magical. Little did I know, it was one of a kind.

Anyway, I finished the front side to the best of my nascent ability and dropped her off. My dad was waiting up for me when I got home. He was sipping a quadruple rum and coke and reading the latest Clive Cussler novel. He looked up and said, “So, eat some ass tonight, did ya, son?” Then we walked off to bed. How he knew, I’ll never know.

This one perfect butthole set forth a decade of chasing that hygienic butthole high. Ass after ass, I chased that brown dragon, never to find another one like it. And let me tell you, the abject horror of eating dirty assholes out for 10 plus years will take a toll on you. Disappointment after disappointment. Broken relationship after another, all because I was on a hunt for the one that got away.

By the end of 2006, I was a broken man, diagnosed with bipolar 2, GAD, MDD, and alcoholism. In 2008 I drank myself into a coma and my pancreas exploded. And why? Because of that one perfect butthole. Looking back, I should be grateful though; I escaped with my life and my face.

By the grace of God and my sponsor, I have not eaten ass in 2,937 days, as of this posting.

The point is, eating ass is as bad for you as smoking (cigarettes) and instances of butthole licking are on the rise. Save the kids and share this article. It just might save the life of a youngster you love.

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